It’s Been Awhile

I haven’t posted in ages, but that’s okay. I mainly did this blog as a class assignment, but now I have graduated, moved to Chicago and taken an intellectually numbing job as an Admin Assistant at an investment bank. Oh, the glories of employment desparation.

So to bring you up-to-date, all of you fantasized readers, my wedding happen. Everything went off fantastically. I had very low expectations about the aesthetics. I really didn’t put much thought or effort into it, but it was honestly, and know this is completely cliche, the happiest day of my life. It was amazing to have all the people I care most about in this world surround my partner and I, and sharing in the moment of publicly committing ourselves to each other.

Everything showed up on time. Everything rang smoothly. I didn[‘t have to deal with parental politics, and best of all, my husband surprised me with a trip to Disney World. We left that evening directly from the wedding, and we stayed a couple of days. I had to start classes on Monday, but I skipped the first couple of days due to my spouse’s planning. I’d never been, and I had been telling him I wanted to go to Disney World for our honeymoon for the longest time. It was an amazing time.

So that about sums it up. Oh, and I ended up taking the husband’s last name. I know I had previously stated that I would hyphenate, but I gave in. I eventually came to the conclusion that my last name was my father’s last name which had been his father’s last name and so on. No matter what I did I would be participating in the patriarchal structure of surnames, and I’d rather be associated with my husband through my last name than my father.

That’s all of the feministing updating I have for today, and here’s a pic from the wedding for good measure:

Bittersweet Victory

Today, New York governor, David Patterson, announced he is planning on submitting a bill to legislators to legalize same sex marriage in New York state. Is the tide possibly turning?

About a week ago, the supreme court in Iowa stated it was unconstitutional to deny marriage to same sex couples. A little later, Vermont was able to override the governor’s veto on same sex marriage to make it legal.

We can be hopeful that legislators are waking up to the fact that denying one group of people the same rights as the rest of the nation is unconstitutional. Discrimination has no place our laws.

I was looking around for newspapers articles that may support my claims that we are heading in a new direction, and was sad to find this article by David Benkof in the New York Daily News, “In Vermont gay marriage law, hidden victory for religious freedom.“

Basically, the story says that the new law that passed in Vermont says that organizations who are opposed to same sex marriage are protected under law from law suits that result in them refusing services to same sex weddings. The author, David Benkof, argues that people who are morally opposed to same sex marriage should have the right to deny services to those who are getting married. He suggests it is ethically acceptable to discriminate based on supposed religious beliefs. One perceived wrong brought about by more rights being attained by same sex couples happened in California. Benkoff writes:

“The California Supreme Court ruled last year that providers of in-vitro fertilization must perform the procedure on women in lesbian relationships even if they believe strongly that children need both mothers and fathers.”

A doctor’s idea that they have the right to deny a child to someone, because they ultimately think that raising a child in a home with two women will cause harm to the child is absurd and at the heart of what’s wrong in this patriarchal system. I think the real threat in that situation is that a child will be without a man in the home, and the thought of a child being raised without a man would mean that the exertion of male dominance in the home would be lost.

Maybe, someday, the ideas of the masses will catch up with what some lawmakers are already coming to terms with; that denying anyone the same rights as the rest of the country is wrong.

Rachel Getting Married (My life?)

My first post on this blog was about a ridiculous movie about weddings based on absurd traditional gender roles called “Bride Wars.” Ironically, it co-starred one of my favorite actresses, Anne Hathaway. What’s even more ironic, is that the movie, “Rachel Getting Married,” that I actually loved, based on it’s realistic depictions of families during weddings, stars Anne Hathaway. I guess she had to pay the bills by making a movie like “Bride Wars.”

“Rachel Getting Married” resembles a life I’m all too familiar with. It showcases a family going through a wedding, and all of the co-dependence that is revealed with a member recovering from addiction. I think the most profound part about it was the appearance of family politics and unresolved issues flaring during a wedding. That’s what’s realistic about this movie, and how a wedding really goes. It’s not about the detailed cocktail napkins or what type of cake they’re serving. It’s about relationships. A wedding isn’t about the superficial, it’s partly about a new family springing up by joining two families.

The main character, Kym, gets released from rehab for the weekend of her sister Rachel’s wedding. As soon as she starts the journey home, her past of alcohol and drug abuse confronts her at a pit stop in a convenience store. The rest of the movie features Kym’s transgressions brought back up by herself and her family. This isn’t a bad thing, because the addict’s life is like a tornado that roars through the lives of others. Wrongs they have committed should be brought up and discussed in a healthy, healing way, but sometimes people aren’t ready to own up to what they’ve done or are willing to forgive others. That’s the issue this movie confronts. No real healing ever takes place in the story. It ends with little resolution, and that may be an unhappy ending, but that’s the way it usually goes.

The film weaves it’s way through the two days leading up to the wedding, the day of, and the day after. We’re thrown into family favoritism, Kym’s dad is definitely more willing to justify her behavior than be there for Rachel. He’s also one of the co-dependents that tries to manage Kym’s life, because he doesn’t trust her ability to do it herself which is also demeaning paternalism. Rachel and Kym’s parents are divorced, and their mother, who lives in town, is unwilling to be any sort of emotional support for either of the daughters. Can anybody else relate to family members who are not willing to get out of their own heads or lives to be there for a large event?

The film is appropriately titled, because that is the event. Although, Kym, the addict, is the star of the film. It reflects the newly recovered addict’s inability to think of others while sifting through their own mistakes and pursuit of healing. Rachel is the member of the family who is making the committment. She is also the one who is always there to pick up the pieces after Kym has screwed something up again. That’s their dynamic. Kym has a difficult time blending in the background while everyone focuses their attention on the couple for the weekend. This accumulates in several arguments and Kym attempting to make 9th Step ammends at the rehearsal dinner during her “toast.” It’s obviously misguided and insincere as an attempt to make things right with someone would be when you, once again, refocus the attention on yourself while everyone is shining their praise on two people getting married.

Oh, the joys of weddings. Love and jealousy abound when celebrations are thrown in the honor of a couple getting their relationship legally recognized by the government. Some people cannot stand the idea of being lost in the crowd that has gathered to recognize the union, and when someone is an alcoholic who, self centered to the extreme, cannot be one of many conflict arises.

I loved “Rachel Getting Married,” because it focused on the inability for some people to truly be there for others. When a wedding day is supposed to be happy and celebratory of love, egos flare extraordinarily. This has been the most disheartening experience through the wedding process for me; appeasing the ego gods.

Go get married, Iowa!

In case you didn’t see it in today’s news, a court ruling in Iowa revoked the ban on same sex marriage. Starting April 24th, same sex couples can legally wed. Love is in Iowa’s air!

Although same sex marriage has it’s critics, I don’t see how anyone can object to love and the desire to publicly display it in the form of marriage. Of course, there will be fighting the decision, because some people have the inability to empathize. The good news is legislature to repeal the court’s decision won’t be able to take effect until 2012. Well, I don’t really know if it’s good news that people who get married between now and then could face their marriage being dissolved in the future. I do want to be cheesy and ask everyone why we can’t just love each other, but I’ll just type it out for now.

I got all my information from the article, “Iowa Court Voids Gay Marriage Ban” in the New York times. Read the article to get all the details.

Wedding Merchandise

Somehow, I have been getting countless catalogues devoted to convincing me that I need personalized plastic cups for my wedding. I can understand why one would get into the wedding business, because, according to the Association for Wedding Professionals International, it’s an $86 billion/year industry. People like to spend money on weddings, and so it’s the wedding industry’s job to think up as much useless crap that someone might think they need for their wedding and put it all in a catalogue. Why not spend it on the junk offered by my favorite catalogue, Oriental Trading Company Weddings?

After looking through a wedding merchandise catalogue like the one Oriental Trading Company publishes, one might question the sanity of the perceived wedding consumer. Almost the entirety of the catalogue bases the value of its products on the option of printing your names and wedding dates on the item.

In case the symbol of lighting a unity candle weren’t meaningful enough, one might consider personalizing it and spending $10 more on it than a regular white pillar candle. This candle is included in the section of the catalogue titled “Bridal Elegance.” This assumes the need of the bride is to feel elegant – the aesthetic duty of all brides. You can also buy an “elegant” aisle runner with your name and wedding date printed on it. This might be a good idea, in case the wedding party is so nervous walking down the aisle they forget why they are walking down an aisle. They can then look down and see the names and what day it is and remember what’s going on. This also might be a good option in case someone else tries to walk off with your aisle runner. It is the metaphorical marking of territory on the aisle.

Another section of the catalogue was “Ceremony.” I found it interesting that tiaras were included in this section. I don’t understand what a tiara has to do with the ceremony. How does it help one commit more to their partner? In addition to uselessness of a tiara, it contributes to the princess-for-a-day theme that most weddings have taken on. The bride is pampered, and her every need is taken care of by everyone around her. She might as well play the part by wearing an actual tiara, right? It is the ultimate symbol of the spoiled princess, and the bride gets what she wants. The groom is just there to marry the bride. He doesn’t do much else in the wedding.

I think my favorite item in the entire catalogue is the Light-Up Party Fountain. This multi-tiered treasure will not only hold punch, but it also lights up! It can bring any wedding up to a level that could never have been imagined before. In a nutshell, it’s ridiculous and a waste of electricity. One more item that has nothing to do with the actual meaning of marriage, but looks tacky enough it might actually be cool.

Bachelorette Parties

I’ve never been to a bachelorette party, but I have seen plenty of my friends’ pictures from the parties they’ve been to. I wanted to see if my theories about them were correct, so I googled the word “bachelorette” and got several websites that sell products for bachelorette parties. My theory appears to be true for most parties; the theme is penises.

In case you don’t believe me, go ahead and check out www.bachelorette.com. The front page displays every penis product they offer. You can get little penis pencil toppers, penis shaped straws, penis candy, penis pinatas, and penis cupcake molds. Many of these products involved placing penis shaped things into one’s mouth. That may seem funny and silly to some people, but I think it says something about the wedding tradition.

First of all, it says that the way to celebrate the last days of being “single” is to celebrate the penis. As if you’re not going to be able to see it enough in married life. It also suggests that now that someone is getting married it is appropriate to openly acknowledge and celebrate oral sex. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against sex or penises. It’s just that when someone is getting married it is insinuated that the way to sexual pleasure is through the penis, and that before engagement, it’s not really okay to talk about the actual act or pleasure of sex.

I’m not saying this is the case for everyone. Of course, there are more people who are more open to talking about sex than others; however, this is the consumer culture of most bachelorette parties. If you’re going to throw a party about penises, why not throw some vagina love in there to balance it out? That’s all I’m saying. I think that’s why I’m so opposed to having a bachelorette party like that. I told my bridesmaids that they can throw whatever kind of party they want, as long as it doesn’t involve penis paraphernalia. I’m good with hanging out with some friends and having a good time. I don’t want an oversexualized party only involving one side of the sexual experience.

Same Sex Marriage

“The sanctity of marriage,” is a phrase often thrown around when discussing the issue of same sex marriage. The phrase throws back to the idea of marriage being holy; however, the country’s divorce rate lingers around the 50% mark. What makes marriage a holy act when the planning process gets smothered in all of the planning materials one could ask for that also continue to neglect including any sort of marriage success strategies? It seems like our priorities have gotten a little mixed up when we cannot distinguish between the material identity of a wedding from the acknowledgment of two people wanting to commit to being there for together.

I understand there are some religious issues when it comes to addressing the GLBTQ community. I won’t get into disputing the biblical claims that this community is somehow “less than” or “unholy.” I will get into how making anyone seem less human by denying them equal rights is far from any sort of spiritual principle resembling that of love. As has been made obvious by the title of my blog, I am a feminist. I define that as desiring the equal treatment and rights of every human being; most specifically women. That being said, I can’t participate in the whole wedding process without acknowledging that I have the right to express my commitment with my partner in front of loved ones and having it legally recognized by the state while others don’t. There are people who wouldn’t get to make medical decisions for their partner if they were incapacitated. There is also the possibility they wouldn’t be allowed to see them in the hospital, or inherit property from them after their death. I cannot imagine what it would feel like to have a committed relationship viewed as less valid than a heterosexual relationship.

I have a friend who is transgendered. She transitioned from male to female about a year and a half ago. She was married to a woman, but now that she is living as a woman her marriage of over 10 years is not valid. The state of Michigan has revoked their marriage license. They’re still together, but are no longer are considered legally married. The state of Michigan denied same sex couples the right to marry in 2004. Does the state have the right to say who can and cannot marry? That’s probably a whole other political debate, but does anyone have the moral right to denounce a healthy loving relationship?

To be honest, I’m angry that same sex couples do not have the right to marry. Love is love no matter who participates in it. That’s one reason why I joined HRC (Human Rights Campaign). I signed up as a member, and now I get notified when there is legislation going through the city and state government. I can then e-mail my representative or the city council my concerns about the issue. I also donate money to help lobbyists gain ground in having legislation passed to include sexual orientation in equal opportunity employment laws and other issues concerning the GLBTQ community. Joe Solmonese is the president of HRC and also their DC lobbyist. Here’s an interview he did on The Colbert Report for your entertainment.

Last Names

I have been a Gibson my whole life. My family was big on Gibson pride. At one point my father bought us all T-shirts with the family crest on them, so we could display our loyalty on our chests. It could also have been to prevent possibly forgetting our last names, but nonetheless, it stilled deep paternal pride.

As a kid I dreamed about getting married. In my family, it was validation of all things feminine. When I use the word feminine in terms of my family’s use of it, I mean helplessness and vulnerability. You got married to procreate and to be protected and taken care of, so I started planning at an early age. My friends and I would giggle about who we would marry and tell each other we’d be each others’ bridesmaids. Everytime I had a crush on a boy I would practice signing my name with his last name. It was the signifier of a huge crush. At the time, it was fun. Now, it gives me the creeps.

As soon as I got engaged I started thinking about my last name. Although any word is only as meaningful as the power we give it, and my last name is only a word, it has meant a lot to me. The thought of abandoning it completely, and taking another name has not been appealing to me. What’s even more distressing is that it is expected of me. People automatically assume that since I am getting married I will take my partner’s last name, because I am female and he is male. Most people find nothing wrong with this, because it is the way it has been. I think it says a lot about society’s expectations of married life.

First of all, by establishing the last name as an identifying label, we assume that the bride takes on part of the groom’s identity by taking his last name. Abandoning the maiden name assumes that a woman takes on a new identity when she marries, and that who she was known as before marriage isn’t very important. There is also the idea of passing down the name to their children. A woman’s job is to bear children that can carry on the identity of the man, or you could also consider a woman to be the vessel that bears the man’s children.

The other idea behind this that really gets under my skin is that people may address me as Mrs. Andrew McGuire. That insinuates I have lost all autonomy, and now am known as the counterpart to this man. I am not my own person any longer. In addition to the new identity of his-first-and-last-name is the title of “Mrs.” The abbreviation of the word misses includes an “R” which suggests ownership to the Mister. Angry yet?

Don’t get me wrong. I like my future husband’s last name. It’s a good name. I just don’t want to give up a part of who I am for the sake of continuing a demeaning tradition. I don’t understand why a man isn’t expected to change his last name to the wife’s name. Here’s where a double standard exists. If a man were to change his last name to the woman’s he would be seen as weak, because it insinuates the woman has more power in the relationship by using her last name. A woman is seen as normal by taking the man’s last name, and contributing to the harmony of married life. It is her duty.

So what are the options for name changing when someone gets married? One can change their last name completely to that of their partner’s, or make up a completely new last name for both partners to change to. You can also hyphenate your last name to have both your name and your partner’s last name, or not change your name at all.

I’ve finally decided to hyphenate my last name. It took a long time to come to that decision, but I feel like it is a good compromise between retaining my identity through my surname and participating in unifying two people legally through a shared last name.

Bridal Magazines

Oh, glorious glossy magazines. Their shiny pages can catch the eye of any customer cruising through the checkout line in the grocery store. Typically, the glossies targeting women show impossible body images to live up to coupled with “must-haves” that will enhance the quality life of any woman. Bridal magazines are no different. They target the uber trendy, young, white female demographic. Their headlines tote ways to be the best looking and most original bride ever.

I recently picked up the April/May issue of “Modern Bride.” I have a friend who is newly engaged and eager to peruse bridal magazines, so I thought I’d buy her one and take a gander at the enlightening articles. The advertising alone can tell a person what kind of reading experience one will have with this magazine. Overly airbrushed models display the latest couture dresses, designer perfume, make up, and wedding rings. Amazingly, the models posing in wedding dresses have the same flirtatious sexy poses as most advertisements in other women’s magazines. It is uncertain why a company would want to project sensuality in their wedding dresses. Most brides I know don’t really care about looking sexy on their wedding day.

The most ridiculous section of any bridal magazine is always the cake section. This issue features four different shapes. The least expensive one serves 80 and only costs $1,200! I’ve never understood the importance of the appearance of a wedding cake. I’ve never heard of anyone whose most memorable moment at a wedding was the cake. It’s purpose is to be cut and then eaten. Why ruin it with gross fondant that creates cake sculptures? In addition to the ridiculousness of over the top cakes are over-the-top prices. The typical cake in a magazine costs about $1000.00. The cakes featured in “Modern Bride” magazine are no exception.

Another theme throughout the magazine that follows the same ideas of wedding cakes is uniqueness. The cover of the magazine touts “620 Truly Unique Ideas.” The obsession to have the most unique and memorable wedding consumes the hypothetical bride. Although, many fail to see that the selling point of the featured article makes those ideas less unique once they are repeated by countless brides who read their magazine. In addition to the fact that a wedding is unrepeatable based on the exact moment it takes place and the two people involved and their special dynamic. Again, materialism prevails over practical advise on how to maintain relationships and help them grow.

Other suggestions in the magazine include how to get that special look on the wedding day. The typical female dilemma on how to look the best is featured in their make up and skin care tips. It’s understood that one would want to look nice for pictures that will capture a memory, but this is overtly female. I don’t see groom’s magazines at all, or any advice to men on how to make their skin look supple.

The responsibility for women to maintain social appearances in a heterosexual relationship are reinforced in bridal magazines in general. They tell women how to plan a wedding and how to remain elegant and put together at their wedding, which is a personal commitment to another human being. Regardless of the commitment part of the day, it is turned into a circus act that tries to impress every human being that attends.

On top of the expectations for a bride to look her finest is the dress. Several designers are making massive amounts of money selling dresses for thousands of dollars that will be worn once. They also make them so they are impossible to move in. Fortunately, “Modern Bride” has decided to provide a tutorial for the bride to help her pee on her wedding day. This can be found on page 154 of this issue. The tutorial requires a bridesmaid to follow the bride into the bathroom stall and lift her dress over her head while she uses the bathroom. I personally do not think I could tolerate a dress that didn’t allow me to pee by myself. I also wasn’t aware that this was such an issue that the magazine felt the need to specifically lay the details of a successful urination in their pages.

I understand some people really love obsessing over trends in weddings, and how to color coordinate every aspect of the reception. What I don’t understand is the hyper materialism prevalent in everything that has to do with wedding planning. It really bothers me that there aren’t any articles in bride magazines that talk about why we are getting married, if it is the right step, and whether or not a person has healthy expectations about marriage. I think that’s one of the biggest things I could have used help with. Although there is no doubt in my mind I picked the right partner, I want to take out as much insurance as possible to have a healthy, long lasting relationship. I think the best way to do that is by doing a little soul searching, and it frightens me that bridal magazines and wedding preparation books don’t even discuss what it takes to be in a successful relationship. It gets glossed over in their tips on how to have a unique wedding and look your best on the big day.

The Bridal Shower

One potato masher to rule them all.

Expectations run high at a bridal shower. Some people want to shine in attention’s spotlight. Others can’t wait to rake in all of the booty. Still others, like myself, just don’t want to fall on their face in the towering heels they wore to the occasion.

I was honored to have someone, immediately after announcing my engagement, jump at the chance to throw a bridal shower for me. I enjoy parties, so I couldn’t come up with any objections. I did fail to take into account the fact that my bridal shower hostess is a wedding etiquette nazi. To her, etiquette is a strict set of rules to live up to, not mere suggestions. As a result, I was ordered to wear a skirt to the shower and register for plenty of domestic products for people to buy me. This woman is very passionate about proper wedding procedures, so it was dangerous to imply that I would not follow her orders.

The shower came up faster than I thought it would. It actually happened yesterday, March 21st. The room was full of family and friends, and I was nervous. I don’t do well in social gatherings where I am the focal point. I felt put on the spot, and my nervousness escalated when opening the presents. I registered for almost everything I received, so I knew what to expect. I was excited to receive new kitchen accessories, because most of mine were worn out. I didn’t realize that I would have to provide commentary on every opened gift. Fortunately, my sisters were present to provide comedic relief. I opened kitchen utensil upon kitchen utensil and the room cooed. At one point, I opened a large cooking spoon and someone exclaimed, “I love that spoon.” I never knew people could get so excited about cooking. I’m not big into cooking, my fiance does that mostly, so to convey my appreciation for the new pots and spatulas we got I mentioned how much he will enjoy using them.

I don’t understand what a bridal shower is for. I don’t see why there aren’t groom showers that sprinkle him with presents to help him perform his domestic duties. Of course, the groom would never receive overwhelming amounts of pots and pans or cleaning products even though he will be using everything we received as much as I will. He would probably get tools and things to scratch himself with.

The one thing I found most disturbing about the event was a card’s envelope that was attached to one of the presents. It had my name on it, but my last name was crossed out and my fiance’s last name was listed after it. Of course, everyone assumes that I am dropping the name I have had for 23 years, and picking up the groom’s name after we get married. I still take great offense to this assumption. I don’t understand why it’s automatically assumed that the groom’s name is more important than my own.

The end of the shower was welcomed as an end to my increasingly awkward “thank you”s for my gifts. I ran out of ways to praise kitchen tongs. The gifts were punctuated with my sisters sweeping away the wrappers and my fumbling was overshadowed by the laughter at their curtsies. I was grateful to have their diffusing entertainment, and to share a few laughs with some friends and family.

OK. Well, maybe two potato mashers to rule them all.

At the end of the day, I walked away with new furnishings for my kitchen and bathroom and Season 6 Part 2 of The Sopranos. At least, I can enjoy some more well scripted and acted misogyny in the comfort of my own home.